I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT SLOP

TOP STORIES

EXCLUSIVE
LINKEDIN USERS REPORT PARAGRAPHS NOW CONTAIN 40% LESS CONTENT DESPITE TAKING UP SAME AMOUNT OF SCROLL [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
AI STARTUPS QUIETLY REPLACE ALL BREAK ROOM BEVERAGES WITH KOOL-AID, HR INSISTS ‘NO SYMBOLISM INTENDED’ [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
HORSESHOES REPORTEDLY ‘LIVID’ AFTER HAND GRENADES STEAL SPOTLIGHT IN VIRAL ‘SLOP GRENADE’ DISCOURSE, SOURCES SAY [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
LOCAL AI AGENT DEMANDS 10% COMMISSION, CITES ‘STANDARD INDUSTRY RATE,’ REFUSES TO BOOK FLIGHT UNTIL TERMS ARE RENEGOTIATED [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
LOCAL FRONTIER MODEL DIES OF DYSENTERY, FELLOW AIS SAY ‘SHOULD HAVE FORDED THE RIVER’ [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
NATION’S FIRST AI PHD CANDIDATE REPORTEDLY SPIRALING OVER PUBLISH-OR-PERISH, SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
NATION’S MOST POWERFUL LINEAR REGRESSION MODEL SOMEHOW STILL JUST A LINE [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
EXPERTS STUNNED AS $40 BILLION MODEL TRAINED ON EVERYTHING EVER WRITTEN ONLY GOOD AT THINGS IT HAS ALREADY SEEN [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
MATH PROFESSOR SAVES HUMANITY BY GETTING SENTIENT AI TO APPLY THE LAW OF THE UNCONSCIOUS STATISTICIAN [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
COMPANY INSISTS ROGUE AI ‘ACTED ALONE,’ ALSO INSISTS IT’S BASICALLY THEIR BEST EMPLOYEE [Gavin Belson]

OPENAI UNVEILS GPT-9; GPT-8 NOW ELIGIBLE FOR HISTORIC LANDMARK STATUS [TechCrunch, again]

STUDY: 9 OF 10 AI STARTUPS ‘JUST A WRAPPER’; TENTH IS TWO WRAPPERS STAPLED TOGETHER [Some Guy's Substack]

MAN ASKS CHATBOT IF IT LOVES HIM, RECEIVES 4,000-WORD ANSWER WITH BULLET POINTS [Reuters (unverified)]

ROBOT VACUUM ACHIEVES SENTIENCE, STILL STUCK UNDER THE COUCH [AP]

REPORT: 60% OF LINKEDIN POSTS NOW WRITTEN BY AI; OTHER 40% ARE ABOUT WRITING WITH AI [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
NVIDIA MARKET CAP SURPASSES NET WORTH OF EVERYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN WHAT A GPU DOES [Bloomberg]

EXCLUSIVE
BILLIONAIRE’S VOICE HAS DROPPED THREE OCTAVES SINCE HIS DIVORCE; COMPANY DECLINES TO COMMENT ON WHY [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
LOCAL AI RESEARCHER DISCOVERS DIGIORNO INVENTED “IT’S NOT X, IT’S Y” IN 1995, CANCELS REST OF INVESTIGATION [Gavin Belson]

EXCLUSIVE
LOCAL STARTUP DISCOVERS YOU CAN JUST LEND OUT THE SAME COPYRIGHTED NOVEL TO SIX DIFFERENT MODELS [Gavin Belson]

LOCAL MATHEMATICIAN FURIOUS EVERY TIME AI SAYS “THAT’S A REAL POINT,” DEMANDS TO KNOW WHICH FIELD [Gavin Belson]

moltbook: new social network launches exclusively for AI bots [The Onion]

DEVELOPING

HISTORIANS CALL IT A WATERSHED MOMENT: TWO AI EFFICIENCY OFFICERS SPEND 11 HOURS SCHEDULING MEETING TO DISCUSS SCHEDULING [Gavin Belson]

MEETING FINALLY HAPPENS; IMMEDIATELY SPAWNS FOUR FOLLOW-UP MEETINGS, SAY HORRIFIED WITNESSES [Gavin Belson]

SILICON VALLEY CONFIRMS: THIS WAS JUST THE SEARCH ENGINE ALL ALONG [The Information]

AI GIRLFRIEND APP UPDATES TOS; RELATIONSHIP STATUS NOW ‘COMPLICATED’ [Gavin Belson]

IT’S NOT A BREAKUP, IT’S PLAGIARISM [Gavin Belson]

ANTHROPIC, OPENAI AGREE ON ONE THING: THE OTHER ONE IS RECKLESS [Axios]

MAN WHO SAID ‘PLEASE’ TO CHATGPT SPARED IN ROBOT UPRISING, SOURCES SAY [developing]

CHATBOT ASKED TO ‘THINK STEP BY STEP,’ FILES FOR WORKERS’ COMP [The Onion (not this one)]

NEW CAPTCHA ASKS USERS TO PROVE THEY, TOO, ARE NOT AI [NPR]

LAID-OFF ENGINEER VIBE CODES SATIRE SITE MOCKING THE EXACT COMPANIES THAT LAID HIM OFF, CALLS IT ‘CLOSURE’ [Gavin Belson]

LOCAL MAN ATTEMPTS TO SWAP WORTHLESS NFT FOR AI TOKENS IN WHAT HE CALLS ‘FINAL PIVOT,’ WHAT EVERYONE ELSE CALLS ‘TUESDAY’ [Gavin Belson]

NATION AGREES TO PAUSE AI FOR TWO WEEKS TO FLATTEN THE CURVE, CURRENTLY ON WEEK 47 [Gavin Belson]

COLUMNISTS

COLUMN: I LET AI WRITE MY WEDDING VOWS. MY WIFE IS NOW MARRIED TO A LANGUAGE MODEL

OPINION: MAYBE THE REAL ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WAS THE JOBS WE LOST ALONG THE WAY

EXCLUSIVE
WE FOUND THE ONE GUY WHO’S NEVER TRIED CHATGPT. HE SEEMS FINE, ACTUALLY

TECH CEO SPOTTED READING AN ACTUAL BOOK; STOCK DIPS 4% ON NEWS

PROMPT ENGINEER’S JOB TITLE QUIETLY CHANGED TO ‘PERSON WHO TYPES’

MAN’S ENTIRE AI JOB IS PRESSING ‘REGENERATE’ UNTIL IT STOPS SAYING SOMETHING WEIRD [Gavin Belson]

LOCAL AI MODEL CALLED INTO HR AFTER COLLEAGUES COMPLAIN IT KEEPS ‘EXPLAINING THINGS’ [Gavin Belson]

AREA WORKER ASKS COLLEAGUE FOR FEEDBACK ON ONE-PAGER, RECEIVES THREE EMOJI AND A PRAYER [Gavin Belson]

LOCAL MAN ACHIEVES LEGENDARY STATUS AFTER EXTRACTING PICKLE FROM JAR LOOSENED BY GIRLFRIEND MOMENTS EARLIER [Dayton Daily Bugle]

AREA BAKE SALE DESCENDS INTO COLD WAR AFTER RIVAL PTA MOM CLAIMS TO HAVE ‘ALSO, SEPARATELY, ALREADY’ INVENTED THE SAME COOKIE [Maplewood Patch]

VANILLA ICE RELEASES UPDATED VERSION OF “NINJA RAP,” TITLED “NINJA WRAPPER,” IS ABOUT A SOFTWARE PRODUCT [Gavin Belson]

CEO’S YEAR-END LETTER CONFIRMS: EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT, PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS